A Shame Without A Sin

This article addresses misogyny.

2013

12 years old me in JSS3.

My then class teacher, we called her aunty agric (Miss Adeyemo) made it a point of duty to bully me every single day. Why? because she was absolutely convinced that I liked a boy in my class. Now I did like the boy but keep in mind that I was not even a teenager yet so i did not understand love beyond ‘this boy is very intelligent and I like borrowing notes from him’. During a class meeting one day, she threw jabs at me and indirectly called me a slut. Then proceeded to invite my mother to school to inform her of my seemingly improper sexual conduct.

Now, I had the worst relationship with my mum growing up, always a subtle power tussle between us. The power tussle made no sense to me at the time because I was just a child, why are you dragging so much with me? I just wanted to eat and be selectively mute and go to school. So once she heard that I liked a boy at 12 years old, she was ecstatic. Finally, something to nail me on. She always called me a pretender because I would refuse to talk at home, I was a very quiet child, mostly because nobody understood me and they just deemed me disrespectful. She also told other members of the family and everyone collectively shamed me for it even though I didn’t understand what was going on. Can’t I like a boy? Why is it wrong?

Bear in mind that in all these, the boy was never once accused or shamed, they didn’t invite his parents to school, he didn’t do anything wrong even though we mutually liked each other.

2019

18 years old me in first year of nursing school.

I had just gotten out of my first ever relationship that was very abusive. I met a corper (Tee) who was about 3 or 4 years older than me at the time and he had his life together. It felt like an upgrade from the trashy relationship i was in. However, i was still very naive and a child (technically) so when i visited him one day and had to spend the night, my mum got to know that i didn’t spend the night in my hostel. She proceeded to tell my dad who in turn threatened to withdraw me from school and shame me publicly for being with a man. Thankfully, he didn’t do that but whipped me so hard i had scars for weeks. After some weeks of neglect from my parents, they finally talked to me and told me they weren’t comfortable with the fact that i was dating at 18 years old because that means whenever i’m ready to get married, maybe by 23/24, i might have slept with 3 men or more.

2026

25 years old me, employed and living alone.

I received a call from my dad this morning and as usual, he prayed for a loving husband and kids (ew) but i already made it a point to not say amen to such prayers anymore. When he noticed that i did not say amen, he asked why. Then i proceeded to tell him that a husband and kids (ew again) are not my priorities now as i have a lot of things to figure out and frankly, i don’t think it’s something i would like to do at all. First came the hesitation, then a long exasperating sigh and finally expressing his displeasure and disappointment in my decision. Then he told me i had no choice, I have to get married and have kids to which i responded ‘no, thank you’.

I spent the formative years of my life being told to speak, walk and behave a certain way because of an imaginary man i might meet in the future. When i started adding weight after spending my teenage years extremely skinny, everyone pointed out that men prefer skinny women and i should try to lose weight to be desirable. Meanwhile when i was skinny, they still told me to eat more as men like curvy women. Now when i decided to start liking boys and dating, i was shamed for it so much that i felt dirty, less of myself. I’ve stopped dating and even liking men, and I’m still being shamed for being a “spinster” at 25.

Last time i wrote, i mentioned a certain boy flirting with me and i was flirting back. I do not need a relationship or even a friendship from a man so i proposed casual sex which he has been hinting about and he took to his heels. So yesterday i talked to a friend and i realized that me proposing the casual sex thing changed the power dynamics. He would have preferred to continuously try to cajole and coerce me into having sex with him. How dare a woman openly want a man???

Misogyny is a disease that has plagued the world. Unless you’re being dishonest, you can see it everywhere. In family, in friends and even in strangers.

The most ‘progressive’ man i have been with once accused another woman of being a ‘feminist’ in my presence.

And I remember thinking how interesting it is that a word meant to describe equality has been turned into an insult.

And that’s when it really clicked for me — misogyny doesn’t always look loud or violent. Sometimes it’s subtle. It’s in the expectations, the double standards, the quiet punishments for stepping out of line.

I’ve been policed for liking boys, punished for being with men, and now questioned for choosing not to center them at all.

It almost feels like the goal is not morality, but control.

And I’m no longer interested in being controlled.

Not by fear, not by shame, and definitely not by an imaginary future that was decided for me before I even understood myself.

And if that makes me difficult, or rigid, or a feminist, then so be it.

Love,

Adesewa.