Sometimes your loneliness disrupts your logicalness🙂
Learnt this the hard way🙃
Happy new year loves☺️ (don’t come at me with sticks and stones abeg😂). It’s been almost 3 months since I wrote to you🥺, I have no excuses, I’ve just been lazy.
Anyways, the header of this newsletter was coined from a post I saw few minutes ago and a lot of memories came flooding my subconscious.
I’m supposed to be sleeping but somehow, I’ve been reminiscing on what a potential love interest told me few days ago. He said and I quote “Your guard is always up. You’re making it too hard to be loved”. Of course, I laughed at his silliness but then, maybe he is right.
But I’ve not always been like this. I’m not the type to associate my behavior/attitude to past trauma but not this time, no. This one is solely based on past trauma. It’s not the type of trauma you’re thinking about (heartbreak), at least not in the traditional sense of heartbreak. I’ve had my own share of romantic relationship(s) going sour and I’ve equally contributed to those circumstances. Anyways, let’s get to the point.
I grew up kind of lonely. See, I was/am the type of person that can easily put on a facade, a show, anything necessary to make you believe what I want you to believe. Most people refer to it as being “manipulative”. That’s not true😂.
When I was 14, I had a boyfriend. A perfect escape from the harsh reality, also known as my life😹. We were together for about 2 years, give or take and it was bliss. The normal teen relationship stuffs and then he broke up with me because he wanted to focus on God😐 (as if I was the d*mn devil 😂).
I adapt to routines easily. In fact, I love routines, they keep me from making a mess of my life. My routine then was, at home: Be the quiet, mess-cleaning daughter, somewhat strong headed one too. At school: Be carefree, share my crazy thoughts and laugh loudly with my boyfriend 🙃. When we ended things, my routine was broken. Also, I did not have much friends because I was/am socially awkward and I genuinely don’t really like people like that😂. Kept to myself even after I left secondary school. 3 years later, I found myself roped into the most toxic relationship ever, why? Because I desperately needed a routine. At this point, I was in nursing school, I needed an escape and I found it in the most weird place ever. Long story short, I almost lost my mind and I made a resolution never to be so lonely that I’ll lose my senses and swerve headfirst into a burning building.
Toxic resolution sha (because it has eaten so deep in ways that I cannot explain) but it has saved me from a lot of stress and bullsh*t. I’ve not dated anyone since then, a situationship here, an entanglement there but never a full blown “get-vulnerable relationship”.
The cure to my loneliness? I delved into hobbies. Oh, I have so many hobbies that I can barely keep track of. Also I take long walks and look into the mirror and speak to myself😂. Also, “some women” find toys🌚 helpful.
Do not allow loneliness, different forms of loneliness (for some it is s$x, for some, mere companionship) drive you to do stuffs that’ll leave you damaged. This does not only relate to lovers, I had friends that I almost died when we stopped talking because I was so dependent on them to make my life bubbly. It always end up with you waking up feeling lumps in your throat and feeling like there is a hot metal scalding your heart and then, you slowly turn into a shadow of yourself.
It’s okay to be lonely, it’s also okay to crave companionship but it’s not okay to survive on that companionship alone. You will drain yourself and drain your companions. Take your time, find your muse. You’ll be fine
You’re beautiful and you’re way more powerful than you think.
Happy International Women’s day my queens 👸.
P.S: you’ll likely wake up to this after the celebration has already passed but I love y’all anyways❤️.