Happy new year lovesâșïž (donât come at me with sticks and stones abegđ). Itâs been almost 3 months since I wrote to youđ„ș, I have no excuses, Iâve just been lazy.
Anyways, the header of this newsletter was coined from a post I saw few minutes ago and a lot of memories came flooding my subconscious.
Iâm supposed to be sleeping but somehow, Iâve been reminiscing on what a potential love interest told me few days ago. He said and I quote âYour guard is always up. Youâre making it too hard to be lovedâ. Of course, I laughed at his silliness but then, maybe he is right.
But Iâve not always been like this. Iâm not the type to associate my behavior/attitude to past trauma but not this time, no. This one is solely based on past trauma. Itâs not the type of trauma youâre thinking about (heartbreak), at least not in the traditional sense of heartbreak. Iâve had my own share of romantic relationship(s) going sour and Iâve equally contributed to those circumstances. Anyways, letâs get to the point.
I grew up kind of lonely. See, I was/am the type of person that can easily put on a facade, a show, anything necessary to make you believe what I want you to believe. Most people refer to it as being âmanipulativeâ. Thatâs not trueđ.
When I was 14, I had a boyfriend. A perfect escape from the harsh reality, also known as my lifeđč. We were together for about 2 years, give or take and it was bliss. The normal teen relationship stuffs and then he broke up with me because he wanted to focus on Godđ (as if I was the d*mn devil đ).
I adapt to routines easily. In fact, I love routines, they keep me from making a mess of my life. My routine then was, at home: Be the quiet, mess-cleaning daughter, somewhat strong headed one too. At school: Be carefree, share my crazy thoughts and laugh loudly with my boyfriend đ. When we ended things, my routine was broken. Also, I did not have much friends because I was/am socially awkward and I genuinely donât really like people like thatđ. Kept to myself even after I left secondary school. 3 years later, I found myself roped into the most toxic relationship ever, why? Because I desperately needed a routine. At this point, I was in nursing school, I needed an escape and I found it in the most weird place ever. Long story short, I almost lost my mind and I made a resolution never to be so lonely that Iâll lose my senses and swerve headfirst into a burning building.
Toxic resolution sha (because it has eaten so deep in ways that I cannot explain) but it has saved me from a lot of stress and bullsh*t. Iâve not dated anyone since then, a situationship here, an entanglement there but never a full blown âget-vulnerable relationshipâ.
The cure to my loneliness? I delved into hobbies. Oh, I have so many hobbies that I can barely keep track of. Also I take long walks and look into the mirror and speak to myselfđ. Also, âsome womenâ find toysđ helpful.
Do not allow loneliness, different forms of loneliness (for some it is s$x, for some, mere companionship) drive you to do stuffs thatâll leave you damaged. This does not only relate to lovers, I had friends that I almost died when we stopped talking because I was so dependent on them to make my life bubbly. It always end up with you waking up feeling lumps in your throat and feeling like there is a hot metal scalding your heart and then, you slowly turn into a shadow of yourself.
Itâs okay to be lonely, itâs also okay to crave companionship but itâs not okay to survive on that companionship alone. You will drain yourself and drain your companions. Take your time, find your muse. Youâll be fine đ«¶
Youâre beautiful and youâre way more powerful than you think.
Happy International Womenâs day my queens đž.
Love,
Adesewađ€
P.S: youâll likely wake up to this after the celebration has already passed but I love yâall anywaysâ€ïž.
Love you baby â€ïž
Happy international womenâs day to you too sweetheart đâ€ïž